I didn’t post yesterday because I was having a pity party. About how my body has failed me again…another disease/disability I have to contend with. And to achieve my goal of sobriety I have to endure a complete invasion of my privacy for 8 weeks of a program. It made me flash back to the days I couldn’t get pregnant, and dealing with infertility. I chose to adopt, and of course was subjected to home study, medical records, blood tests, grilling interviews, etc. Another period of complete invasion of privacy to achieve my goal – a child. Well after all that pity partying last night, I am ready to move on today. I am blessed now with two adopted children who are the light of my life. All I had to go through was more than worth it. I hope this outpatient program will blossom into something wonderful for me at the end. So today I am focusing on inspiration.
Well, okay, after so many “Day 1’s”, I realized I cannot do this on my own, or even with the help of the blogs, wfs, and the bubble hour. Yes all those things are tremendously helpful, but I needed a little boost. So I am on Day 1 of my outpatient treatment. The antabuse is giving me a headache, or is it? Not sure, but I have a headache. And I am armed with gabapentin and ready to get some zzzzz’s tonight. I cannot believe this is me, I am here, in this disease. I cannot believe it was me sitting in the addiction clinic today. It feels surreal. It makes me feel sad. But alas, no pity parties here. It’s big girl panty time! I think I will dig a grave for my wine glass and wine opener, and have a ceremonial burial for them. I have many times wanted to just go out back and bash the crap out of a bunch of wine bottles and glasses. However, safety is a priority, glass shards in the yard not so good for doggy paws or human feet. So maybe just a nice burial will suffice.
Who am I? I am a Mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I am a highly intelligent and motivated person who thought I could quit drinking if I really set my mind to it. I “thought”, past tense. Now I know otherwise. The disease is self-serving, and is able to change the behavior of its victim to get what it wants, more and more and more alcohol. I just watched the documentary Lipstick and Liquor. The end result of the disease if left untreated is unequivocally death. It is absolutely not going to take me from my children.
Why am I starting a blog? Today is Day 1 of my recovery journey. I have been following many other women on their sobriety recovery journeys, and have gained so much inspiration from them. I am hoping this blog will help me heal, and it would be my honor if my blog also helps others along the way.
So welcome to Day 1 of my recovery. My head is feeling clearer than usual, although the dogs seemed completely bent on keeping me awake all night. They were unusually restless. Somehow I still feel more rested than after a night drinking myself to sleep. Ahhhhh, deep breath.